my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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