We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
