Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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