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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
