Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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