my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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