im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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