they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
