i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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