went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
