I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
