i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
