I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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