Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
