I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
