then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
