He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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