I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
God, I missed his penis.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
