hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
