Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
