Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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