Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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