I just cut my nipple shaving
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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