Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
