we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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