dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
