This is not my ceiling
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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