I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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