Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
