Acid is not a monday night drug
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
