I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
