My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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