my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
