Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
