I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
