If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
