so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
