if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
