I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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