i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
