hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
