You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
