I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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