Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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