Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
