I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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