I haven't been this sober since birth.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
