i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
