GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
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The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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