Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
